Light up, light up.

Some quiet nights, i do creep out at night to the living room.

Today, I sat in total darkness, staring at the only thing that i can see, the face of my grandfather's clock also known as the Longcase clock, it's glass surface caught the lights from the street lamps outside. The clock's shiny surface stood out in the dark. I could hear the ticking of the clock, "Tick, tick, tick..." on and on in dead silence.

I sat down on the marble floor, my heart beating slowly, as if it was synchronizing to the beat of the clock. I closed my eyes for a slight moment and opened to the chimes of midnight.

I lit up the pink candle that's stuffed in the center of a blueberry muffin. I sat it on the floor, clasped my hand and made a wish, "Lord, this would be a long one. Bless me with wisdom, bless me with knowledge and understanding. As imperfect as i am, lord teach me how to love myself, for i've been disappointed. Lord, guide me to live my dream, for i've lost my guiding hand. Lord, may you bestow health and joy upon me, for i have huge dreams to live for. Thank you for the failures i had. Thank you for the suffering. Thank you for everything. Because without those, i'd probably would never be what i am today."

I blew out the flame, the wax melted all over the circumference of the candle holder leaving an inch of wax. I whispered, "Happy birthday."

From this moment, i was enlightened and that, sometimes letting go does not necessarily mean that you are weak, it actually shows that you're strong enough to let go.

"Happy birthday."

Little House - Amanda Seyfried

Tackling my issues head-on.

This few days, i've discovered a lot of qualities about myself.

Understand my strengths and weaknesses and learning how to make the best out of myself.

Well, i came to terms that no one is perfect and can never be,

and am consoled at the fact that we are made special and unique.

Each and everyone of us are made to go through various kind of obstacles in life,

be it in the area of friendships, relationships, family issues, personal problems, etc.

We are thrown out there in this dog eat dog society to fend for ourselves, to be resilient, to survive.

Afterall, what does not kill, does makes one stronger.

Problems that i've kept long in the closet are resurfacing, and issues that i thought i solved are actually not. As i'm sorting out the mess and reorganizing my life, along the way, i found fond memories of people and moments forgotten. I stood still for a moment of reminisce and felt time travelled back to when i was a kid. My childhood. The playgrounds. The laughter. The smell of fresh grass. The smell of innocence and bliss. That i once had. Did not follow me to my adulthood.

When i snapped back, i understood how all this had inspire me and build me up to be strong to continue to search, to fight and find back that joy, that youthful energy, gleeful self and enthusiasm. In my dreams, i am inspired. In my art, i create. In my heart, i believe. In life, i am happy.

What is your goal in life? I just want to be, happy. :)

I'm happy.

Today a butterfly landed on me, i admire it's beauty, silently.

And i realized, how looking at beautiful things can take away the pain on the inside, even if it's just for a while.

Goodbye, my fashion hero.

When i put my lips like this, i want you to kiss me.

I really don't know what to say. I keep typing out and deleting my words and thoughts. I'm going mad i think. It's like i'm on this emotional swing, swinging high and low. It's like i've just stepped out side when everything was going fine. It's like living a life that is not mine.

Help me. Help me disappear.

Shock at the news.

People come and go.

We all come to terms with it, eventually.

But when it's too sudden, when you least expected,

especially when a close one leaves,

you're stunned with much disbelief.

Our life is fragile and

they would not listen, they did not know how.

Now i understand what you tried to say to me,

how you suffered for your sanity,

how you tried to set them free.

For they could not love you,

but still your love is true.

And when no hope was left in sight,

you took your life, as lovers often do.

But i could have told you,

this world was never meant for one,

as beautiful as you.

You lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow,

you closed your eyes and sought peace,

you gave your life up and

you've chosen darkness.

They would not listen, they're not listening still.

Perhaps, they never will.