Memory.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

I saw you lying on the bed. Helpless and still. You stared blankly at the ceiling above you, probably thinking about how would it be like on the other side. You're the kind that never gives up, never gives in, never say die kind of person. You are extremely kind hearted, to an extend where people manipulate you and you probably won't know.

I watched you lie there on the bed quietly at a corner, hoping that you will never leave me. I know i could not control anything, i really wished i could. No words can express how helpless i am and how desperate i was. As i type, tears rolled down my cheeks, they streamed down my face down a familiar route.

I miss you.

I regret not telling you the things you want to hear, the dreams i want to achieve and the truths of myself. I was afraid. I am useless. My heart aches every single time when i look back what memories and moments life gave to us, for us to share. They will remain in me forever.

And when i looked closer, i sat quietly near you. Not making a sound. I stood to stare, your eyes, lifeless. But you're still breathing, because you cannot let go. I held your hands with mine, they're ice cold. I believed, that god will give you just one chance. I believed because you believed. I don't blame god. I am not angry. I do regret. I am heartbroken. I cannot accept the fact that you are gone too soon.

Remember the times, when you carried me on your shoulders, you told me i could be anything. Remember the times, we had breakfast together at Macdonalds? Remember the times when i asked for a large whipped potato when you're on your way back from work? Remember the times when you cook maggi noodles for me when i'm hungry and still complain about how bad they tasted? Remember the times when you always offered a hug when i always reject you?

I am sorry.

I cannot turn back time. I am so sorry.

I didnt shed a single tear, i had to be strong. You taught me to be and i had to be for the family. This pain is too much for me to take. But for you. Just for you. I will bear it all. I will bear it, all.

Sometimes, i had to tell myself that you're just gone for a really long holiday and soon enough you'll be back home someday. But i guess, it does not work this way. This holiday that you're on, is an eternal one. The memories of you will forever be embedded in me.

And in all my life, i owe you something that i've never said to you,

"I love you daddy. I really love you. I don't care who you think you are, you are my greatest hero. I love you."

From your number one fan,

Josiah

When the caterpillar decided for a change.

When i was in kindergarten, i recalled that i would always excel in those kind of fun activities like, circling the odd one out, filling the numbered areas with colours with the respective numbers for each hue and pattern drawing.

But this very particular exercise left a mark within my memory. There was once we all had to do a mix and match, sort of like a general knowledge worksheet, it is about the pairing of animals, where we actually draw a line with the help of the ruler from an adult animal to it's young.

Cow ---------- Calf

Dog ---------- Puppy

Cat ---------- Kitten

Pig ---------- Piglet

and lastly, i would just join Caterpillar with Butterfly. It is not because i knew the answer, it's simply because it was the last pair and obviously it had to be it as i am quite confident over the rest of the other pairs.

Who in the world, as a child would actually think that a Caterpillar something so squishy, gross and green would turn to a beautiful Butterfly? Honestly, never in a million years. It had zero resemblance of the adult and it is fascinating how the transformation can get.

I think it is a gift for a Caterpillar since it stayed faithful in living and sort of await the day of making it to the skies and flutter for all to see. It stayed strong, unbeaten no matter how people laughed at it's ugliness. People would gaze and admire the beauty of the Butterfly yet not considered the pain it had gone through, hidden thoughts, suppressed pain and it's past. Forgotten.

It is the past that is the reason for it's beauty. It is in the hardwork and determination that fuels it's urge for beauty. Some say, the past does not matter but in fact it does, the past is a part of you, you cannot erase it, it made who you are today. The past can be forgiven but it shall not be forgotten and it will make you stronger because it did not kill you. The past is painful because it did not follow you to the future you have seen it together with. The past is ugly, tainted and full of sorrows but it shall be over soon. The past, you miss and shed useless tears for, is the pain you feel in the future. In order to flutter to a free life, to lift your burdens, you have to renew yourself. Your sorrows, your pain all into a cocoon. You engulfed yourself in your own reflections. You think, you think, you reason, you solve, you're stucked, you reconsider, you're hurt, you stop but you think again, you cried, you cry, you're crying. The pain will end. The story continues. Again, you live, again. Your love, or rather your mistake, will fade away...

Then you emerge as something new, something beautiful, something no one would ever thought that you could ever achieve. You prove it not to your friends, not to your family, not to yourself. You prove it to your past. Stand up although you've fallen hard. Stand up.

Dear Caterpillar, so are you ready to be that change?