Baby, I got you.

Young forever?

On this sunny sunday morning, the skies are blue and clear, the sound of cars, the smell of my room and as i type, my mind, filled with a million thoughts and questions.

I don't want to look back when i am all old and wrinkled only to regret the choices i have made for myself as a teenager. As fickle-minded for someone like me, i wanted to be everything and have my hands on every single possible job, i wanted to try, to experiment, to finally know what is really for me. I thought i've found my purpose in life and i thought i was ready to take off. But it seems like, life is constantly changing, constantly unsure and unpredictable. It's like waiting for an episode of "life" to upload before you can actually react to what's happening.

Well, after so many hurdles in life, i have come to terms with how it can be so cruel to you at one point and at another to be so comforting and uplifting. It's like a hot and cold thing going on and it can sometimes drives me crazy.

I keep asking myself questions like, why are we even created? And what purpose do we have on this earth when our final destination in life is, death. We do not live to die, right? And that is why, probably, religion is created. Was it even real to begin with? No one has proof, no one is standing up for what they believe in anymore. Everything is unstable and pretentious.

There are so many things in life that i am dying to discover. I'm not sure if i can live till that day to see this earth crumble before my very eyes. To see god, descend from heaven on judgement day. To see the end of war and the birth of eternal peace.

You know, sometimes, it is so much easier to just not care and quit. But it's just too sad.

I finally understand why some people chose end their life. Cause living can be quite a chore and after a while, you don't even know what the heck you're living for. Money? Fame? Love? All this do not last, you know it. But you still want it and you don't know why. Cause everyone is after these? Like someone has an iphone makes you want to get one too? When someone is popular and famous, it makes you think that, hey, i can be and i want to be like that person. But you know, all this, cannot be forever. The ones with unanswered prayers are people who have given up trying.

These people have nothing. No goals, no dreams. Even if they do have, or rather once had, they've given up. They are jaded. No one is listening. No one cares. How depressing.

I want to help these people, even at the expense of my own time and energy. Because the world really is not that dull, i chose to believe that it is not that heartless. It's the environment and people that you're with. More importantly, it is all in the mind. I know i can't save the entire world and i only chose to help those who really want to help themselves.

Everyone at a certain point in life, can get a little selfish and self-absorbed. We cannot blame them for it. It is the better for themselves, to protect their interest and to somewhat put up a front or a motive behind why they are like that. It can be disgusting, yes, but like animals, we all fight for survival. I hate to say this, but it's a dog eat dog society out there. The battle of the fittest, the strongest shall prevail.

Without support, without a team of strong fighters, your herd would probably be eliminated by your enemies. I hope to build a strong team, a group of excellent fighters, each skilled in their own area of specialty. A fortress for all potential talents to be nurtured and moulded.

Mixing around with like-minded people makes me feel great. It empowers me as an individual.

And i also think that once in a while, it's good to have some pressure, so one can be stronger and more resilient during crunch time.

As the days go pass, i am slowly discovering and unraveling the answers to life. You have one time to be young, to live a fabulous life, love someone, love life, dance till you die, be young forever. Smile at every mistake you make, because there is still time to change. Learn to ignore people's bad comments on what you personally believe in because sometimes, they just want to get you down and out. Stand up strong and fight like you're young.

Never Ever.

I am me and you are only you,

We live our different lives

But still have the same vision

All the same, what shape and size we are,

we keep on moving on,

that's what life's all about

I see flowers bloom by your side

and waiting for the sun

it is the sign of hope, an image of our fate

Sun sets where ever you may be

and rising up again

But the sun i see only sits in dark space lighting up your world

Break the silence i'm feeling deep inside

shooting stars will light our worlds apart

Wishing we can be together, you and me as one forever

I want to chase the seasons on the move

Want to smell the rain changing into snow

Everything i want to do with you is still in the future

This moment in time, be my dream keeper.

A city full of people, so full of desires.

The city is huge, full of pretentious people, malicious ones lurk in every corner and pick-pockets are amongst us all. We must be alert, we must not be distracted. But the streets are filled with beautiful people that we simply cannot take our eyes off from. Damn. Why do people still stare, why are people attracted to gorgeous people? Simply because, we are humans, we all have feelings and desires. Similar to animals, we all "select" from the masses, the fittest and the strongest as our partners. We want the best for ourselves but the difference apart from the animals, is that we follow our feelings aside from the physical attributes of our "ideal" partner. We must feel that mutual attraction in order for the relationship to work, to flourish. A beautiful face, does not guarantee a faithful soul nor an absolute lover. What everyone desires in a relationship is a fair trade. Mutual exchange of emotions, trust, adventures, ambition, dreams, vision, care and last but not the least sex, come on let's be honest. What's a relationship without sex man? Well, it's not like our relationship revolves around it but it is part of it. It's call love-making for a reason, the ability to attract, to seduce, to make love, to create desire.

Too many people, too little time, i cannot possibly try out each and everyone of them to find the right one. Well, i really believe that, when it's time, love will find you. Just don't wait till i'm all grey sitting on a wheelchair, wheeling myself to buy some ice-cream from Sheng-shiong.

Love you.

My Ninja way.

"I am here because i want to. This time, let me save you, naruto. I was always crying, and giving up before even trying. I made the wrong turns many times. But you helped me find my way and take me on the correct path. I've always chased after you. I wanted to catch up with you. I wanted to walk beside you all the time. I want to be by your side, always. You've changed me. Your smile, is what changed me. That is why, i am not afraid to die... if it means that i can protect you. Because... i love you."

"Why? I do not understand. Someone so weak like you should not resist. Why fight me? Knowing that you'll... die."

"I stand by what i say. Because... that... is my ninja way."

It's been like 5 years and Naruto never fails to inspire me to dashed headstrong ahead for my dreams. 5 Years of growth, i'm glad to be part of his entire character development. I have learned so much from the episodes. I never thought that i would say this to any animation but Naruto, thank you. Thank you for shaping my character and thanks to you, i had always believed.

"Keep your eyes on beautiful objects, it helps you take away the pain. Pain is something we live with but one must not be engulfed by it's dark power. For it is tempting to tap into its reign, one must stay strong, one must believe, one must be steadfast and unshaken to the true purpose that we live for. We are imperfect but that does not mean that we cannot seek perfection, that does not mean that we cannot love, cannot be happy. Love has always been around, never had left, never will, unless you have given it up. Tear down those walls, trash down the barriers, the world wants to see the real you, the you that was once, an inspiring gleeful soul. The world is a black pit but the light in all of us is enough to illuminate the universe. Believe. Keep on believing."

The truth will set you free.

"Letting you fight alone, now that's pretty crazy."

"There'll be loads of people who won't be able to control their anger if you go alone and get killed. Don't bear this burden alone and don't give me any face. This fight belongs... to all of us."

"Don't be mistaken, we haven't come here prepared to die, we're fighting to live. All of that "protecting the world" nonsense is nothing more than a grand cause with a nice ring to it. We're fighting so that we can live, so that you can live and to protect everyone else from evil's grasp. Do not fall behind."

In this world, there is originally no such thing as the "truth" or a "lie", there are only cold hard facts regardless. Everything that exists in this world lives by mistakenly recognizing only the "facts" that are convenient for them as "the truth", this is because they possess no other way to live.

However, the powerless, who makes up the majority in this world, it is the facts that are inconvenient to their self-affirmation that are the entirety of the truth.

北极熊。

世界上的人都在追逐爱情，可是爱情就跟北极熊一样，

隔着镜头，觉得它很可爱，

实际靠近它，被它狠狠踩过一脚，就知道什么叫做痛到想死。

风信子的花语：當它枯萎死了，再次開花的方法

风信子的答案：把枯萎花，剪断，再次赋予花朵重生新生命

在面对自己感情內心 失去了或分开了，

別让自己永远活在过去, 別让过去回憶，永远牽伴着自己,

勇敢放开自己，给予自己新的生命 ,

也给予別人机會一起來参与全新的未来。

生气是好事啊，生自己的气才有改变自己的。

Love is indeed, patience.

I know that somewhere out there, you're lonely too.

Show me some kind of sign,

and let me find you.

I know how it hurts

and i am glad that we're not the only ones.

How can we learn to trust again?

How will we grow together?

I don't want my love for you to ever die.

I want to be sure that i am ready.

I want you to have the best.

I love you, so i'll wait.

While waiting,

I will learn,

I will seek truths,

I will improve on myself,

I will be perfect for you.

Let the real race begin.

After what i've learnt in school, designing garments, drafting patterns, sculpting fabrics, creating works of art, i realized that one day, i'll have to put this skills to good use. After years of practice, working with creative people, experimenting new techniques and absorbing new knowledge, i grew stronger, i evolved.

I never was the cool kid or the teacher's pet in school. I was the class clown in school since young, always up to mischief, playing pranks on other school kids and just basically making a fool out of myself. I wasn't exactly well-liked because almost half the class had their chairs pulled back by me and they sat flat on the floors. I wasn't exactly popular either and if i was, it's definitely for the wrong reasons. I wanted attention. I wanted love. I wanted to be accepted. And as a result, i clown around for people to laugh at and mock at for their entertainment.

I grew up in a christian family. I went to sunday schools, read the bible, sing praises and go on mission trips with my parents and siblings, nothing out of the box, nothing fancy. My dad and mom just made sure i had everything i need to grow up. They provided me with food, shelter, toys, books, tuition, bring me out occasionally to watch a movie and buy me ice-cream. They were very strict too, as a kid i had curfews, had to be back home immediately after school. No soccer, no dinner with friends, no staying over, no nothing, come home straight.

Despite the love they showered me with, there were many conditions and rules to obey. Dad got busier at work, so we seldom eat together. Mom became angry and that sometimes she vents her anger on us. She would get angry very easily. Soon, they grew a bit violent. I recalled that dad once whipped me with his belt because i borrowed colour pencils from my friend and that mom used to cane me a lot because i sucked at chinese spelling. Another time, mom threatened to throw me down the block if i couldn't pass my spelling and she threw my school bag out of the house. Dad used to be my hero, he would come home and tell mom off and he would try to convince her not to use the cane. It's a matter of time, that mom got back to her old ways of "discipline" and dad got tired of talking and mom just kept on caning and screaming. The house was in a huge chaos. No one felt loved, everyone feel depreciated and lost.

I grew up, learning that only i have the power to change my destiny and that only i can trust myself and that i am the only sole reason that i should work for. My childhood and life experience had made me who i am today. I don't think i was ever told that i was a good child or receive any form of praise, for that matter of fact, i was only told how useless and stupid i was.

In the last few years, i could tell that mom and dad realized their mistakes and tried to compensate the "lost" and "mistreatment" by telling me that they care for me and they want the best for me and all. To me, that was all pointless already. I mean it's really good to know that they actually do care now but the damage is done and it's been so long, why now?

Nevertheless, i still appreciate the fact that they actually, finally, shone some form of love and concern. I was reminded not to take anyone around me for granted and never to put someone down. I know that they care for me, i know they loved me but all i wanted was a simple ordinary family without all this drama.

Yes, i'm just an ordinary kid but i have extraordinary dreams. Dreams existed in my world the day i felt "unwanted". Dreams grew bigger and stronger when someone puts me down. It grew more beautiful and more resilient in the face of reality's harsh conditions.

I fought hard and expressed hope and love in the works of my art. I could draw pretty well since the age of 4. I had all my drawings pinned on the classroom board during my kindergarten days. I felt so proud of myself. Every single time i draw or create something, it took away the pain. The pain of rejection and immediately, I felt accepted. I'll like to think that god blessed me with this ability to draw and my artistic talent for a higher purpose and probably, it's his way of consoling me that i could be alright as long as i believed in myself and my art? Maybe, he knew that all this was coming and that i must stay firm in my dreams. I don't know.

I just want to do what i like. Now that i have all this skills and that i have reached a whole new level of evolution, i think i'm ready for the big race. The real race in life. I know that i've to overcome a lot but i know i will succeed in the end. No matter how hard the race gets, i am ready for it, physically, emotionally and artistically.

Let the race begin.

These Songs.

The songs of butterflies are snippets of memoirs of my life and aspirations. You must be really privileged to be that lucky few to chance upon this online journal of mine and am glad to share my views and in return i hope to inspire and bring warmth to your soul.

I will never forget the reason for the creation of this journal. It is to constantly remind myself that life is indeed wonderful, hopeful and that regardless the amount of suffering and pain and disappointments we all face, life never fails to inspire, surprise and imparts us with wisdom. As a saying goes, "Life is a great teacher but it kills all of its students." The end of life, is none other than death, something that i have recently understood and had to deal with.

Daddy died of Cancer, last year, on the 18th of April, three days ago. A year later, now, i have been constantly questioning god and trying to find those answers. I was furious, confused and extremely saddened at the fact that he is indeed not coming back. I sort of came to terms with stuff and am still growing as a person. I'm really amazed at the amount of pain a normal human being can take and that sometimes i feel that, that "pain" can be used and be converted to positive energy if one have hope, that if one still believe. I think that is why some people, choose to die whereas some lived for a higher purpose in life despite the amount of turmoils they had to put themselves through.

"I have great dreams and i am saddened at the fact that how most, artists, designers, philosophers have ended their life in the most dramatic and tragic ways. I agree, that, perhaps, the pain of being misunderstood was just too hard to bear and that the darkness and loneliness have engulfed them. Perhaps, their ideals have been overshadowed by the ugliness of reality and that giving up, might be the only way of of this chaos? Indeed, one can only speculate. But one thing for sure, these great people have all loved life with a fervent heart and a burning passion. They loved life, so much, that they constantly question, seek, spread the word, write the truths and to dream their vision of a "perfect" world. To face an undeserving and cruel crowd, who are not listening, are ready to hurl stones of condemnation at you even as you remain still and firm in your ideas, how great the disappointment must be.

Yes, indeed, unfortunately, like all love stories, expectations fail, promises are unfulfiled, and the vulnerable heart is broken. I remain doubtful about the conditions of life, but that does not mean i cannot love it. We must all be mad to embrace life and its sacrifices so intensely even though knowledge is absurd anyway and one cannot access the perfect wisdom except through one's madness. Yet, we love life for all the freedom it brings, despite its lack of meaning and purpose."

I love life and let me remain mad forever. Madly in love.

I want to keep this voice in me. I want to remain hopeful. I want to run and hide, away from everyone, the entire undeserving world and whichever place that alphabets can spell i could ignore but one thing for sure the only alphabet that i'd like to really keep close to my heart, is "U". I love you.

男人, 男人。

1. 好男人，多数是丑的。

2. 英俊的男人，多数很坏。

3. 又英俊又好的男人，多数搞同性恋。

4. 又英俊，又好，又很正常的男人，多数已经有老婆。

5. 不英俊，但是好的，没有钱。

6. 不英俊，但是好的，又有钱的男人，多数以为你爱他们，是为了他们的钱。

7. 英俊的男人，没有钱，要和你交朋友，是为了你们的钱。

8. 英俊的男人，又不太好，但是很正常的，多数认为你不够漂亮。

9. 认为你是漂亮，又是正常的男人，虽然温柔又好，但多数不敢约你出去。

10. 有点钱，有点英俊，有点正常，对你有点好，又是没有老婆的男人，从来不采取主动来约你。

11. 不采取主动的男人，女人只好采取主动，这一下子可完了，他们以为你很cheap， 不值得娶你做老婆。

Light up, light up.

Some quiet nights, i do creep out at night to the living room.

Today, I sat in total darkness, staring at the only thing that i can see, the face of my grandfather's clock also known as the Longcase clock, it's glass surface caught the lights from the street lamps outside. The clock's shiny surface stood out in the dark. I could hear the ticking of the clock, "Tick, tick, tick..." on and on in dead silence.

I sat down on the marble floor, my heart beating slowly, as if it was synchronizing to the beat of the clock. I closed my eyes for a slight moment and opened to the chimes of midnight.

I lit up the pink candle that's stuffed in the center of a blueberry muffin. I sat it on the floor, clasped my hand and made a wish, "Lord, this would be a long one. Bless me with wisdom, bless me with knowledge and understanding. As imperfect as i am, lord teach me how to love myself, for i've been disappointed. Lord, guide me to live my dream, for i've lost my guiding hand. Lord, may you bestow health and joy upon me, for i have huge dreams to live for. Thank you for the failures i had. Thank you for the suffering. Thank you for everything. Because without those, i'd probably would never be what i am today."

I blew out the flame, the wax melted all over the circumference of the candle holder leaving an inch of wax. I whispered, "Happy birthday."

From this moment, i was enlightened and that, sometimes letting go does not necessarily mean that you are weak, it actually shows that you're strong enough to let go.

"Happy birthday."

Little House - Amanda Seyfried

Tackling my issues head-on.

This few days, i've discovered a lot of qualities about myself.

Understand my strengths and weaknesses and learning how to make the best out of myself.

Well, i came to terms that no one is perfect and can never be,

and am consoled at the fact that we are made special and unique.

Each and everyone of us are made to go through various kind of obstacles in life,

be it in the area of friendships, relationships, family issues, personal problems, etc.

We are thrown out there in this dog eat dog society to fend for ourselves, to be resilient, to survive.

Afterall, what does not kill, does makes one stronger.

Problems that i've kept long in the closet are resurfacing, and issues that i thought i solved are actually not. As i'm sorting out the mess and reorganizing my life, along the way, i found fond memories of people and moments forgotten. I stood still for a moment of reminisce and felt time travelled back to when i was a kid. My childhood. The playgrounds. The laughter. The smell of fresh grass. The smell of innocence and bliss. That i once had. Did not follow me to my adulthood.

When i snapped back, i understood how all this had inspire me and build me up to be strong to continue to search, to fight and find back that joy, that youthful energy, gleeful self and enthusiasm. In my dreams, i am inspired. In my art, i create. In my heart, i believe. In life, i am happy.

What is your goal in life? I just want to be, happy. :)

I'm happy.

Today a butterfly landed on me, i admire it's beauty, silently.

And i realized, how looking at beautiful things can take away the pain on the inside, even if it's just for a while.

Goodbye, my fashion hero.

When i put my lips like this, i want you to kiss me.

I really don't know what to say. I keep typing out and deleting my words and thoughts. I'm going mad i think. It's like i'm on this emotional swing, swinging high and low. It's like i've just stepped out side when everything was going fine. It's like living a life that is not mine.

Help me. Help me disappear.

Shock at the news.

People come and go.

We all come to terms with it, eventually.

But when it's too sudden, when you least expected,

especially when a close one leaves,

you're stunned with much disbelief.

Our life is fragile and

they would not listen, they did not know how.

Now i understand what you tried to say to me,

how you suffered for your sanity,

how you tried to set them free.

For they could not love you,

but still your love is true.

And when no hope was left in sight,

you took your life, as lovers often do.

But i could have told you,

this world was never meant for one,

as beautiful as you.

You lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow,

you closed your eyes and sought peace,

you gave your life up and

you've chosen darkness.

They would not listen, they're not listening still.

Perhaps, they never will.

King spool doll.

I found this adorable King spool doll image on the internet.

In future, I want to rule my own kingdom too, not with an iron fist but a heart of gold.

Not sure what life have installed for me but i thank god for every moment.

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by

If you smile through your fears and sorrows

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile

:)

Why try to change me now?

I'm sentimental

so i walk in the rain

I've got some habits

even i can't explain

I go to the corner

and i end up in spain

Why try to change me now

I sit and daydream

I've got daydreams galore

cigarette ashes

There they go on the floor

I go away weekends

leave my key in the door

Why try to change me now

Why can't i be more conventional

People talk

and they stare

So i try

But they can't be

because i can't see

my strange little world

just go passing me by

So let people wonder

Let 'em laugh

Let 'em frown

you know i'll love you

till the moon's upside down

Don't you remember

i was always your clown

so why try to change me now

So let people wonder

Let 'em laugh

Let 'em frown

you know i'll love you

till the moon's upside down

just you remember

i was always your clown

Such a beautiful song, for a beautiful soul. I just want to be happy and indulge myself in a lifetime filled with joy and excitement. I know i can never be that way always but at the very least, i want to fully savour the good times, the essence of happiness, the occasional grief and melancholy. Like some people, we do think the same and i know i was never alone.

"...as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist."

If you don't know how to die, don't worry; nature will tell you what to do on the spot, fully and adequately. She will do this job perfectly for you, don't bother your head about it.

"When i was 5 years old, my dad always told me happiness was the key to life.

When i went to school, they asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up.

I wrote down, "happy."

They told me i didnt understand the assignment and i told them they didnt understand life."

I miss you.

"Love and affection,

it seems as though you're my only infection.

You listened and asked no questions.

All you gave was patience."

Sometimes, i love you, this three words are overused and meaningless.

To a point where i feel,

that I miss you, this three words would reach you.

Sometimes i wished that god would grant me power,

to turn back time,

so i could slow down and play to all our favourite parts together

and pause them.

I pray everyday in my sleep that may god grant me wisdom.

To understand the wonders of life.

That my dreams would realize,

a way to reality.

That my love,

would one day return.

Too much angst and sadness, i'm sorry.

I miss you.

The frozen waters.

You know the feeling of awaking into a new feeling, not in a good way but waking up feeling tired and with the thought that life could be more meaningful, more treasured? It's almost like spring the day before but suddenly when i awake from my slumber, it's already winter. The world's covered in snow.

Somehow, as i stare out of my window, i realized that how quiet and serene the world can be during winter. I finally came out for a walk. Everyone around is protected by warm knitted garments, feeling all cosy and wrapped like a hug. The people warm their hearts by drinking hot tea, as their lips kissed on the porcelain cup. As i see couples strolling down the white-washed streets, they held their hands together, their fingers intercrossed.

I turned away, looking back towards my home, my heart, suddenly hollowed.

I could not understand. Did i sleep too long to pass the seasons, or i just had my mind on too many things, too many worries, how tos, maybes and forgot how to enjoy through the other seasons? I think i was stuck somehow, somewhere, not sure why. Like i recalled, losing a huge part of myself, refusing to remember what and who it was. It felt like, i've just lock this part of me and threw the key away, not wanting any of those memories to resurface. Don't ask me why can't i throw them away. It's a part of me.

I stand, 3 feet away from my door. I stood there sliently for a while with my eyes tightly closed and as i felt the cold breeze in my face, i slowly ease and opened my eyes. I see this sparkly flares, little shimmering dusts while opening mid way. My eyes squint a little as i held my head high staring in the face of the sun. I smiled.

As i turned to look down from the sun, i let out a huge sigh, still smiling. Acceptance. The sun warmed my soul. I recalled that it has always been there, regardless. Through the hard times, the good times, it has and will be there, unless the world comes to an end. I know that i can rely on the sun after the rain, during the cold winter and after the isolation in the house. It's just about whether, i am willing to take that step out towards it that makes my life light up.

I turned to the pile of snow and remembered a phrase, it goes, "If life gives you lemons, make the best lemonade out of them." I chuckled as i walk towards the pile of white and started sculpting. I made castles, unicorns, snowmen and bears. Created a dreamland, my winter wonderland. It took me the entire day, i was exhausted but it was all worthwhile. The people around the district came around my place, took pictures and exclaimed about how much they've love my masterpiece. Instantly, i brought life to the town that winter. I was glad, in fact, extremely happy.

Quickly, Spring sprung suddenly.

My "dreams" melted away slowly. The white will be washed. The flowers and leaves will grow. The sun will still shine but the winter will go. As i look out from my window, day by day, the surrounding blossomed, in my heart, i secretly wished for winter.

I love you.

I choose to believe.

I love you, so i'll protect you.

I protect you because you mean a lot to me.

You mean the world to me.

My world is you.

You're my inspiration.

Inspirations gives me hope to dream.

Dreams only come true, when we believe together.

Together, we will run.

Run towards the horizons.

1... 2... 3... 4...

I'm usually extremely good at looking for things, i've got this uncanny ability finding stuff. But when it comes to you, just where exactly are you hiding?

I'm excited, at the same time, scared.

Because i'm a fool.

Perhaps, i was at fault.

I was young and naive.

Now i understand, that,

I cannot always be there when you call for me.

I cannot always be there when you need me the most.

My world no longer revolves around you.

My life is no longer about us, but me.

Thank you for letting me out.

Thank you for this closure.

Time will heal all wounds,

Time will unravel all knots,

Time is everything to me now,

and i don't want to miss a second.

Follow me.

Where have you been all this while? I've always been searching for you. Come out from where you are and let me take you somewhere new.