I will never forget the reason for the creation of this journal. It is to constantly remind myself that life is indeed wonderful, hopeful and that regardless the amount of suffering and pain and disappointments we all face, life never fails to inspire, surprise and imparts us with wisdom. As a saying goes, "Life is a great teacher but it kills all of its students." The end of life, is none other than death, something that i have recently understood and had to deal with.
Daddy died of Cancer, last year, on the 18th of April, three days ago. A year later, now, i have been constantly questioning god and trying to find those answers. I was furious, confused and extremely saddened at the fact that he is indeed not coming back. I sort of came to terms with stuff and am still growing as a person. I'm really amazed at the amount of pain a normal human being can take and that sometimes i feel that, that "pain" can be used and be converted to positive energy if one have hope, that if one still believe. I think that is why some people, choose to die whereas some lived for a higher purpose in life despite the amount of turmoils they had to put themselves through.
"I have great dreams and i am saddened at the fact that how most, artists, designers, philosophers have ended their life in the most dramatic and tragic ways. I agree, that, perhaps, the pain of being misunderstood was just too hard to bear and that the darkness and loneliness have engulfed them. Perhaps, their ideals have been overshadowed by the ugliness of reality and that giving up, might be the only way of of this chaos? Indeed, one can only speculate. But one thing for sure, these great people have all loved life with a fervent heart and a burning passion. They loved life, so much, that they constantly question, seek, spread the word, write the truths and to dream their vision of a "perfect" world. To face an undeserving and cruel crowd, who are not listening, are ready to hurl stones of condemnation at you even as you remain still and firm in your ideas, how great the disappointment must be.
Yes, indeed, unfortunately, like all love stories, expectations fail, promises are unfulfiled, and the vulnerable heart is broken. I remain doubtful about the conditions of life, but that does not mean i cannot love it. We must all be mad to embrace life and its sacrifices so intensely even though knowledge is absurd anyway and one cannot access the perfect wisdom except through one's madness. Yet, we love life for all the freedom it brings, despite its lack of meaning and purpose."
I love life and let me remain mad forever. Madly in love.
I want to keep this voice in me. I want to remain hopeful. I want to run and hide, away from everyone, the entire undeserving world and whichever place that alphabets can spell i could ignore but one thing for sure the only alphabet that i'd like to really keep close to my heart, is "U". I love you.
