Those bus rides together.

The magnitude of pain is intolerable.

Daddy, i miss you.

Clasping my hands together, i prayed.

'I've never really asked you for much. And you know what i've been through. I guess i thought i could save him... So, if you could grant me this... if there's no way that he can get better... then take him. Ease his pain and take my daddy with you, amen.''

I wiped my tears, cleared my mind and walk into dad's room.

Standing by his bed, i took father's trembling hand. From behind my eyes i could feel the pressure build and fought to bury the pain. It was too much to bear.

I broke off when i felt father's trembling fingers clutch my hand. Never before in my entire life had both of us looked deep into each other. His dark eyes were perfectly clear as they bore into mine. I could feel dad's pain, loneliness and immense shame in his gaze.

'Dad, i've always been proud of you. You're always my hero. And as your son, i swear to god, that one day, i will, i will make you proud. I will always love you, father. Now relax....'

I felt utterly stupid for thinking that i could have somehow saved him. Father's breathing eased, his vacant look in his eyes, he left.

I had my pain buried deep deep within my heart, thinking that it'll never surface again.

But the thought of you, brings it all back to me.

The thought of us strolling down the streets in indonesia, brings it all back to me.

The thought of you telling me bed time stories before i sleep, brings it all back to me.

The thought of you is too much for me to bear.

I have to be strong but i think i'm hanging on a thread.

I miss you too much.

Come to my dreams, talk to me.

Music: You raise me up - Westlife

Stand up and be independent.

Independence and self reliance is what i've learnt in the pass few days. I've gain knowledge and access to my past through this book that i'm reading currently. Surprisingly, the book was about everything i went through, as a child, struggling to find acceptance and determination to survive in harsh conditions and emerging as someone courageous. To all of my friends out there, live on strong, pull out the strength you have within, it's not that hard to pull them all out, as long as you still believe.

A song for all of you my dear friends,

Well you're magic he said

but don't let it all go to your head

cause i bet if you all had it all figured out

then you'd never get out of bed

well no doubt

of all the things that i've read what he wrote me

is now sounding like the man i was hoping

to be

i keep on keeping it real

cause it keeps getting easier he'll see

he's the reason that i'm laughing

even if there's no one else

he said you've got to love, yourself

Let's say take a break from our day

and getting back to the old garage

because life's too short anyway

but at least it's better than average

as long as you got me

and i got you

you know we got a lot to go around

i'll be your friend

your other brother

another love to come and comfort you

and i'll keep reminding

if it's the only thing i ever do

i will always love you

you, you, you

Climb up over the top

survey the state of the soul

you've got to find out for yourself

whether or not you're truly trying

why not give it a shot

shake it take control

inevitably wind up

finding for yourself all the strengths

you have inside still rising

that you have inside of you

-Song for a friend, Jason Mraz