Celebrate!

Happy new year!

Thank you for 2009, the good the bad, the happy the sad, successes and failures, even everything small and insignificant, we've learnt and will move on strong into the next year. Let's welcome the year 2010 with open arms, an open mind and an open heart.

In this year, i pray that all my family members, friends will be in the pink of health, learn how to take life easy, as in learn how to step back sometimes from each hectic life and take some time out for oneself, as well as hoping that in whatever they do this year, may god guide and bless them with good favour, love and hope.

In this new year, i've made new resolutions and promises, realistic ones this time, so achieving them won't seem too hard as compared to last year. I am determined to fulfill all of them this year, somehow i feel that this year's going to be a good one, everyone would like to think so too! But somehow, i do feel different about this year, well, time will tell.

Side track, sometimes, i never fail to marvel at the works of god, nature, biology and science. They never fail to inspire me in my art. The human anatomy, chemical secretion in the body, the double helix that's in us, evolution, plants, animals, life. I hope that one day, my art can reach the masses and share something, something in my heart with the world. And that my art will educate, inspire and ultimately touch souls.

I cannot wait to dash and run towards the finishing line. I'll pace myself, run slow and steady, cause the tortoise always wins.

Last but not least, thank you Daddy for giving life to me, this life that you gave, i'd make the best out of it, i'll make you proud. I love you.

Close.

"You were so close. If only you'd taken just one more step..."

A promise one should always keep.

If you're all alone and feeling blue, just believe in me, turn back and look over your shoulder. I promise to be there.

Pon & Zi.

B.B.Q my life.

1) I want to live a life burning with passion, i want to be constantly inspiring, constantly creating art.

2) I will rather go broke, than to sell my soul for money.

3) I want to build my own house, somewhere peaceful, quiet, away from the city.

4) I want to help the lonely children of the world, play with them, educate them and make them feel like they can take over the world even when they are incomplete and imperfect.

5) I just want to be happy, always smiling, always contented.

6) I hope my buisness will run well, be it a big or small one, i want to give it my all.

7) I wanna thank god for all that he have placed in my life, the people around me, my family, opportunities, chances, the failures, happiness, sorrows and experiences.

8) I pray for those whom are around me, those blinded by the fame and worldly objects, that they may be delivered and that they will seek light and purpose in their life.

9) I appreciate the things that my dad and mom had to put through in their life to provide for me, those small little things that i've overlooked, those things that i do not see and those that i find totally ridiculous, thank you.

10) I am free from the world. I just want to be a child again, constantly travelling, finding the joy in life and visiting new places, meeting interesting people, experience new cultures, exchanging ideas and touch life.

Wedding Dress - Taeyoung (BIGBANG)

Unrequited love.

"A Mighty pain to love it is,

and 'tis a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain."

The Rootless tree and the 9 crimes.

Leave me out with the waste this is not what i do.

It's the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

It's the wrong time for somebody new.

So fuck you,

and all we've been through, i said leave it.

It's nothing to you and if you hate me, then hate me so good that you can let me out.

Let me out of this hell when you're around.

Let me out.

Let me out.

Let me...

Rootless tree & 9 Crimes - Damien Rice

Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

Those bus rides together.

The magnitude of pain is intolerable.

Daddy, i miss you.

Clasping my hands together, i prayed.

'I've never really asked you for much. And you know what i've been through. I guess i thought i could save him... So, if you could grant me this... if there's no way that he can get better... then take him. Ease his pain and take my daddy with you, amen.''

I wiped my tears, cleared my mind and walk into dad's room.

Standing by his bed, i took father's trembling hand. From behind my eyes i could feel the pressure build and fought to bury the pain. It was too much to bear.

I broke off when i felt father's trembling fingers clutch my hand. Never before in my entire life had both of us looked deep into each other. His dark eyes were perfectly clear as they bore into mine. I could feel dad's pain, loneliness and immense shame in his gaze.

'Dad, i've always been proud of you. You're always my hero. And as your son, i swear to god, that one day, i will, i will make you proud. I will always love you, father. Now relax....'

I felt utterly stupid for thinking that i could have somehow saved him. Father's breathing eased, his vacant look in his eyes, he left.

I had my pain buried deep deep within my heart, thinking that it'll never surface again.

But the thought of you, brings it all back to me.

The thought of us strolling down the streets in indonesia, brings it all back to me.

The thought of you telling me bed time stories before i sleep, brings it all back to me.

The thought of you is too much for me to bear.

I have to be strong but i think i'm hanging on a thread.

I miss you too much.

Come to my dreams, talk to me.

Music: You raise me up - Westlife

Stand up and be independent.

Independence and self reliance is what i've learnt in the pass few days. I've gain knowledge and access to my past through this book that i'm reading currently. Surprisingly, the book was about everything i went through, as a child, struggling to find acceptance and determination to survive in harsh conditions and emerging as someone courageous. To all of my friends out there, live on strong, pull out the strength you have within, it's not that hard to pull them all out, as long as you still believe.

A song for all of you my dear friends,

Well you're magic he said

but don't let it all go to your head

cause i bet if you all had it all figured out

then you'd never get out of bed

well no doubt

of all the things that i've read what he wrote me

is now sounding like the man i was hoping

to be

i keep on keeping it real

cause it keeps getting easier he'll see

he's the reason that i'm laughing

even if there's no one else

he said you've got to love, yourself

Let's say take a break from our day

and getting back to the old garage

because life's too short anyway

but at least it's better than average

as long as you got me

and i got you

you know we got a lot to go around

i'll be your friend

your other brother

another love to come and comfort you

and i'll keep reminding

if it's the only thing i ever do

i will always love you

you, you, you

Climb up over the top

survey the state of the soul

you've got to find out for yourself

whether or not you're truly trying

why not give it a shot

shake it take control

inevitably wind up

finding for yourself all the strengths

you have inside still rising

that you have inside of you

-Song for a friend, Jason Mraz

Confused.

Son: “You and dad, when you both first met, you liked each other at first right?”

Mom: “Yes, we did.”

Son: “Then when did you realize that you love each other?”

Mom: “Hmm, I don’t know, I guess, we knew each other for a very long time.”

Son: “Does it mean that if you love somebody for a very long time, you’ll fall in love with him?”

Mom: “No, no. it doesn’t necessarily mean that. I guess love is very difficult to understand. I mean, people talk about it all the time, they sing songs about it, write about it but when it comes right down to it. Nobody really knows where love comes from and where it goes.”

Son: “You’re confusing me.”

Mom: “Yes I am and love is like that.”

I wanna watch "My Sister's Keeper" till then, sweet dreams.

Music: Glosoli by Sigur Ros

Can someone turn on the lights?

Lately, it's been a bit dark,

until some light shone in the recent days.

I've made a box, named it the hope box.

Inside of it,

filled with precious letters,

objects and photographs of those i hold to closely,

even those whom i've lost,

those whom i've forgotten,

those whom have hurt me,

those whom i've loved.

Everytime when i feel all jaded,

lost all hope in life,

i'll just have to flip through the things in it.

It'll then remind me of all those memories,

time spent,

moments and joy,

effort and love spent.

The happy and sad,

made me who i am today.

I don't need them around me physically all the time,

because they've been living in my heart all this while,

and have been holding on since.

And it will give me the courage and strength to fight the day.

I believe in the power of faith and love.

I believe.

And because i do believe,

the impossible is made possible.

Not merely by sheer luck,

but by hope.

Dreams will see us through till forever.

And forever will not be complete without anyone of you.

Music: Cold Water - Damien Rice

The fun theory, Creativity is vital in our boring world.

Boring looking things can be made useful with a little creativity.

And you know it's true when they say,

there's always an inner kid in all of us,

wanting to scream out loud.

But because we let our heart grow old along with our age,

that explains for the lack of creativity.

Every child's an artist,

the problem is just about keeping the heart young.

A plain looking stairs transforms into a huge piano,

creative yet functional.

I would step a song out of it.

A blooming phrase in my life.

Courage is not the towering oak that sees storms

come and go,

it is the fragile blossom

that opens in the snow.

Every moment of hope

is like a bubble blown,

it is as fragile as the heart

but at the very same time as beautiful as life can be.

I guess in life,

we have to make the better out of everything small.

I've learnt that things don't wait for you to happen

and love doesn't always come to you.

You search for them.

You're suppose to discover them.

Hiding is escaping

and running away

is never the best solution.

We all yearn for love and long to be

in close relationships with others.

Yet it is extraordinarily difficult to achieve this.

Whilst our relationships can be the source of great fulfillment for us,

they are often the cause of our greatest pain and sorrow.

I want to live life with every breathe taken as if they were my last one,

even if love is not returned always,

it doesn't matter.

Because what matters most is if that the love that you give to others is right from the heart.

If it is and people are happy receiving it,

i guess i should be happy too.

I know i cannot please everyone,

but at least i tried.

THE Proposal.

Now i wanna go Disneyland. Where dreams do come true.

Unspoken.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uy0HNWto0UY

Ugly things have their beholders too.

I decided to catch the movie, "The Ugly Truth" at the nearest cinema around my area and while waiting for my show, i headed for the arcade.

You know those machines, where you drop your tokens for a chance to catch some really adorable looking stuffed toys? Smart thinking, placing those really really retarded looking ones, cause they're just tooooo cute to resist? Yeah, i went for it. I think i'm a sucker for ugly retarded looking things.

I thought to myself, yeah, why not just give this machine a try, it's just a dollar for one try? It would not hurt even if you were to lose a dollar right? So, i decided to exchange my notes for a few tokens, total i had 8, a dollar for 2 tokens. I was the last customer at the counter. Last one at the machine, no one before me tried for the machine.

You know what they say about those machines right? Nah, you'll never get those! You pay thousands and you'll still end up with nothing, let me just buy you the toy! That machine is hopeless, don't waste your efforts!

I ended up with not one but two toys for 4 tries. Unbelievable for myself, i must say. I've never caught anything from those since the days of T-rex! You should see how happy and surprised i was!

Ugly truth was not as bad as they said. We cannot trust reviews. They're all from a writer's perspective and we cannot trust the writer word for word... so..... I conclude, if you wanna watch a movie, got get yourself a ticket and judge for yourself.

It's entertaining, hilarious, and true, true about how men perceive a relationship, how women are different and how ugly the truth can be. Nothing really in depth, but it's really a pleasant movie!

Love's just like the stuffed toys in that catching machine, you never know when you're gonna grab it. You just have to keep on trying. And it's when you least expected, it gets on the hook. It takes experience, a lot of patience, some luck, a lot of effort, but you know that the smile that you'll get at the end of it all, with that retarded looking toy in your hands, it's when you'll say to yourself, hey, it's all worth it.

Got a nice book today for my breaks, "A Child Called It", it's a touching book i heard. I've yet to read it.

Beauty can be seen by the blind.

What of soul was left, I wonder, when the kissing had to stop?

- Robert Browning -

So i say:

"So we kissed all night,

till the morning light,

our love shone bright

and our hearts ignite."

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
- George Sands -

So i say:

"To love someone

one have to be endearing,

To be loved

is a blessing."

Lust is when you love what you see. Love is when you lust for what's inside.
- Renee Conkle -

So i say,

"Many lust for the physical,

the superficial things in life.

I stand in dismay,

no words i can say,

but to be in all distress.

I await for the time,

hope for that fateful day,

that i can hold my love and say,

i do not just need a pretty face

nor just someone to hold.

I love you dear,

for who you are,

and i lust for your beautiful soul."

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet.
- Plato -

So i say,

"Roses are red,

violets are blue.

The honey is sweet

and so are you.

Thou are my love and i am thine;

I drew thee to my valentine.

The lot was cast

and then i drew.

And fortune said,

it should be you.

I love you."

Perhaps they were right in putting love into books... Perhaps it could not live anywhere else.
- William Faulkner -

So i say,

"Let's not let our love

wither and die.

Your love dies without me,

cause you need me, you're mine.

We belong with each other,

till death do us apart.

We embrace one another,

for an end to start.

Perhaps,

it's our last.

Perhaps,

it's goodbye.

Perhaps,

William Faulkner's wrong about love."

Love is friendship set to music.
- E. Joseph Crossmann -

So i say,

"L, is for the way you look at me.

O, is for the only one i see.

V, is very, very, extraordinary.

E, is even more than anyone that you adore.

and love was made for me and you."

Where there is great love, there are always miracles.
- Willa Cather -

So i say,

"I've never believed in miracles, until i've found the greatest love of all, and that's you."

The things we'll do.

The Glares.

It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not.

Goodbye, my love.

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to understand that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held high and your eyes wide open.
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
You learn to build your roads
On today because tomorrow's ground
Is too uncertain for plans, and futures have
A way of falling down in mid flight.
After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure,
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn... and you learn
With every goodbye you learn.

Until that special someone,
Sets foot in your life and illuminates that void
With much light to your understanding.
And so it is,
That your dictionary no longer
Holds the word Goodbye.

Friends?

If a person's character is unclear to you, look at his friends. There's a saying that goes, "Birds of the same feathers flock together." Well, it is absolutely true, yes, we have choices and in life we do mix around with the genuine and the fakes. Whoever it is, we learn a great deal from our friends around us and vice-versa.

Some friends can be a real pain in the ass but nevertheless, we do get hell a lot of fun together at times.

"Each friend represent a new world, a world possibly not born until they arrive in your life, and it is only by meeting this new friend that a new world is born."

Competence.

Everyone is at the unconscious incompetence level of learning wherever they first try something new. Not convinced? Watch a baby learning to walk. He doesn't know he doesn't know how to walk. He tries it because everyone else is doing it. When he learns, by falling, that walking isn't as easy as it looks, he reaches for helping hands. The instant he reaches for help, he moves to the next level of competency.

Food play.

The colour, Red, makes one hungry.

Eating with a pale blue plate, slows down your speed when eating food from it compared to other coloured plates.

When you swallow honey, it enters your blood stream within 20 mintues.

Chewing gums while peeling onions will prevent you from crying.

Girls have more tastebuds than guys.

An apple, onion and potato will taste all the same with your nose plugged.

Don't play with your food! Food facts for the curious young one! Now you know the facts!

"We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge"

The perfect reject.

 

People are always in search of what they lack and things that they never had have before.

Ugly for beauty, loneliness for fame, poor for rich, insignificant for importance and the list goes on and on and on.

Perfection? Don't make me laugh. Nothing is perfect in this world. They say practice makes perfect. But why practice when nothing is perfect. Imperfection is absolute perfection. It is the flaws that makes us all perfect.

But why despite all this, people seek perfection in their appearance and to an extend that they undergo aesthetic surgery for that gorgeous new skin. Simply because people judge. Not by what they don't see but what the appearance is. Inner beauty? Don't make me laugh again. This world is cruel. No one talks about inner beauty. I believe that it takes a beautiful soul to make it up for a beautiful face.

Sadly, people judge, we cannot escape that. I don't blame people for that all. I understand. But it is unfair. Blame god for your face? Your birth identity? Your life troubles? And claim all credit for your achievements? We blame everyone except ourselves for the wrong doings and unfairness. We are humans and to err is human. We are imperfect. And since we are already imperfect, it makes us all perfectly normal why do we still seek more?

Greed? I don't think so. I think we seek more because of all the rejection.

Rejection is human's number one worst nightmare.

It is only when we are accepted there and then, we will stop seeking perfection. Because perfection never really exist, it's us living in denial all along after being rejected.

A wild free thing.

I never felt so emotionally empty in my life before.

Inside all of us......... is fear.

Inside all of us......... is adventure.

Inside all of us......... is hope.

Inside all of us......... is a wild thing. We have one in all of us.

Being alone for so so long made me numbed to certain emotion and sometimes the emptiness feeds in me. I feel so so cold right this moment. The only reason i live right this second is the hope that i still have within.

I'm not sure how long i can hold that for but i will as long as possible.

I don't want to die but i smell death nearby, lurking in the corner trying to take me down anytime i give up. I won't. I am afraid i might lose it. I will fight to my last breath like what daddy did.

I am furious but i have no choice but to obey.

I want to break free, everyone talks about freedom but what is it exactly? Freedom is independence fueled with free-will and dreaming can be limitless and impossible things can be made possible. Freedom is the air in the sky, the waves in the ocean and the scent of sakura blossoms.

Freedom is all the happy things in life, a kingdom that where happiness and hope is free.

"Freedom is making the right choice when there's no one to stop you."

Childish heart.

I might not understand your pain, i might not know how bad it is but i just want to let you know, that hope still exist. Do not give up on life my friend.

I don't know where i can find that, how to keep that but you just have to search deep within your heart, when all's used to be great. Where before it all started. Go back to the beginning of it all. I know you can't talk about it. You've bottled it all up that now it is exploding. Take one deep breath for yourself right now, and let go of it all.

We have to be responsible over our actions as adults, though occasionally we do act like children, there's no wrong with that. We're all children at heart, it's just that only our bodies grow bigger, our heart, not any older.

Let the inner child speak sometimes.

"There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake on Christmas morning and not be a child."

Disappointment and it's effects.

Disappointment is the feeling of dissatisfaction that follows the failure of expectations to manifest. Similiar to regret, it differs in that the individual feeling regret focuses primarily on the personal choices that contributed to a poor outcome, while the individual feeling disappointment focuses on the outcome itself.

Disappointment effect, provides false expectations of perfection in life and prevents people from achieving a healthy self-identity. 

And when we're all helpless, lost, the only solution we have to make it all better is cry.

We cannot solve certain somethings and force certain somebody to like you or do something for you but we can sure feel a tad better by crying.

It's alright, sometimes, you have to let it all out.

Enough, is enough.

"We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we already have done." The unseen, is the potential and untapped capabilities. People cannot see them but i'm sure they can be felt. Nevertheless, it disheartens me that some people do not see the value of another as much as how one view him or herself.

They say, seeing is believing. However we humans enjoying dreaming too, won't we want those dreams turn into reality? We plan for our future, tell dreams to your loved ones about how you are going to succeed one day being a famous somebody, driving a posh car, living in a huge mansion, leading the high life.

I believe that when we gain something, we will always lose something in exchange. Vice- versa.

When we lose a loved one to death, we gain strength to live on and we gain the valuable lesson of treasuring what is around you.

When we gain wealth, we lose our identity as being poor and we probably lose privacy due to the wealth we've gain, imagine the media and press placing you in the limelight 24-7, i mean if that is what you want, you'll probably gain that point.

We gain trust, we loosen our guard down.

We gain and love someone, we're willing to lose our life for that someone.

How funny it seems to me that even though we gain the whole world, we do not actually own it for eternity. So, how can anyone be truly happy? The pain an individual can go through to get all this will turn to nothing but dust? Hey, do not get me wrong, i'm not saying we should just slack all our life and sit at home on the couch and wait for money to drop from the skies. I admire determined and ambitious people but the point that i'm trying to bring across is, we fight so hard that we've sometimes neglect the simple things we have around us, that's we're constantly on the hunt for better alternatives. And why do we fight so hard for when all this cannot be brought to your grave? Satisfaction?

What is your reason for your fight?

Greed? Fame? Power? Or is it for your loved ones? For revenge? To prove someone wrong?

I think it's true, "Even if you've gained the whole world and have lost your soul with it, you've pretty much lost in the game of life."

It is about what you live for, fight for and what you stand up for that matters. The rest are just wallpaper. Life is your stage, give your best and put up a good show.

Solitude, i'll reflect my doings, i'll wait for your arrival to reign my heart.

Solitude, The strong waves, the endless thoughts and reflections of life. We seek answers within ourselves endlessly through the years of our life. We should just find them within ourselves. They live in us, we just have to keep it safe inside, it's deep within, the light in your heart.

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by any affection. Keep your solitude.

The day, if it ever comes, when you are given true affection there will be no opposition between interior solitude and friendship, quite the reverse.

It is even by this infallible sign that you will recognize it.

What i must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy i the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is one who is in the midst of the crowd keeping perfect sweetness  the independence of solitude.

If i lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Head hurts from all my thoughts.

I do get emotional sometimes. I would never dare to say that i am the most romantic person on earth but i can be quite sweet. No, i am not selling myself. I'm just describing what kind of person i view myself as. Of course, writing from my perspective can be rather biased but i promise to say nothing but the truth.

I am ambitious and i believe strongly in doing the impossible. Simply because i love proving people wrong. I feel that i can appear to be rather controlling and arrogant to certain people at times but really i'm not that sort. I don't know why am i writing all this but i'll finish it anyway since i'm at it already.

I try to be nice to people whom i do not like. I love to look at how people talk, walk, dress and laugh. My friends think that i am funny but i just love to see my friends smile and them being happy makes me feel happy too, totally at the expense of my image and happiness. I care a lot for people and get hurt easily by people. Sometimes i feel that it does not pay to be nice. Moreover, you can't please everyone.

Then why can't we just please ourselves? Would not it be selfish? But who cares?

I feel sad how the world thinks about certain issues sometimes. Is there a way to change things? Apparently, not i guess.

I go into this whole josiah talks to josiah Q & A interview sessions occasionally, when i question myself and answers my own question after thinking it through and reasoning.

Religion has been one of the few topic that i keep going back on and on again.

OWWWW, my head hurts already, urgh,  i just want to sleep.

Sigh...

Come, sit with me will you?

Don't cry, pick yourself up again.

I still have dreams yet to come true. I have so much more to learn, never too young, never to old. I have yet to visit the world, to see the Northern Lights, to see polarbears roll around in the snow, the world's vast, the feeling is fresh.

Come on, come here, sit down with me.

I'm right here, i will not leave, i promise that i will not say a word and all i want to do is to listen to you. Do whatever you want, just don't leave me.

Oh Life, I have questions.

The happiest looking people are not truly the happiest.

The facade they put up, the fake smiles, all so real and believable.

Who cares. No one bothers about if others are happy or not. In this world we live in, few care about the people around us, they care only for themselves, me, myself and i alone.

Is it worth it to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else's? Is it true that it never pays to be good? What about the defenders of the light? Do they exist to fight against darkness? We are all flawed, imperfect. We don't understand life, we are constantly searching for life's true purpose.

Is it a test for us? Maybe it's god's test for us to prove our self-worth? Maybe we are all angels on a trial test and he wants to see if we can prove ourself worthy of our talents and character. I don't know. I want answers. I want proof. I need more faith.

Love life and life will love you back, love people and they will love you back.

How true is that? What if all ends up to nothing but disappointment? Who's responsible? Where do we go when our life is up? Is there peace on the other side? Where do the bad people go? Hell? How are they judged? I'm curious. Is technology the main reason for the downfall of humans in future? God created science did he? Why can't we look at the world with our hearts instead of our eyes, cause we judge through this deceitful pair. What if we all have the same appearance, like a black shadow with no features, will we not be judged on beauty but character? What if we can live forever? Too many what ifs.

Is death the only way to get my answers? Or is it time's up for me to search for my answers?

I want to know.

Love, come find me.

Love's out the door, you say the things that hurt so bad, don't wanna try, just let it go. What's the use of holding on, when all we do is hurt our love?

No one said it was easy, it's a shame for us to part. Come back and haunt me, running in circles.

I said, you do not know me, you won't wear my chains. Think i'll start it over, no one knows my name, i'm tired of the weather. I'm flying to outer space. 

Where's Boston?

I could barely look at you. Light up, no choice, no voice but i will be right beside you dear.

Then you found me when no one else was looking. How you'd know i'll be here?

Now i hide again, come, come find me again, my seeker.

In the dark i wait...

Memory.

"Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose."

I saw you lying on the bed. Helpless and still. You stared blankly at the ceiling above you, probably thinking about how would it be like on the other side. You're the kind that never gives up, never gives in, never say die kind of person. You are extremely kind hearted, to an extend where people manipulate you and you probably won't know.

I watched you lie there on the bed quietly at a corner, hoping that you will never leave me. I know i could not control anything, i really wished i could. No words can express how helpless i am and how desperate i was. As i type, tears rolled down my cheeks, they streamed down my face down a familiar route.

I miss you.

I regret not telling you the things you want to hear, the dreams i want to achieve and the truths of myself. I was afraid. I am useless. My heart aches every single time when i look back what memories and moments life gave to us, for us to share. They will remain in me forever.

And when i looked closer, i sat quietly near you. Not making a sound. I stood to stare, your eyes, lifeless. But you're still breathing, because you cannot let go. I held your hands with mine, they're ice cold. I believed, that god will give you just one chance. I believed because you believed. I don't blame god. I am not angry. I do regret. I am heartbroken. I cannot accept the fact that you are gone too soon.

Remember the times, when you carried me on your shoulders, you told me i could be anything. Remember the times, we had breakfast together at Macdonalds? Remember the times when i asked for a large whipped potato when you're on your way back from work? Remember the times when you cook maggi noodles for me when i'm hungry and still complain about how bad they tasted? Remember the times when you always offered a hug when i always reject you?

I am sorry.

I cannot turn back time. I am so sorry.

I didnt shed a single tear, i had to be strong. You taught me to be and i had to be for the family. This pain is too much for me to take. But for you. Just for you. I will bear it all. I will bear it, all.

Sometimes, i had to tell myself that you're just gone for a really long holiday and soon enough you'll be back home someday. But i guess, it does not work this way. This holiday that you're on, is an eternal one. The memories of you will forever be embedded in me.

And in all my life, i owe you something that i've never said to you,

"I love you daddy. I really love you. I don't care who you think you are, you are my greatest hero. I love you."

From your number one fan,

Josiah

When the caterpillar decided for a change.

When i was in kindergarten, i recalled that i would always excel in those kind of fun activities like, circling the odd one out, filling the numbered areas with colours with the respective numbers for each hue and pattern drawing.

But this very particular exercise left a mark within my memory. There was once we all had to do a mix and match, sort of like a general knowledge worksheet, it is about the pairing of animals, where we actually draw a line with the help of the ruler from an adult animal to it's young.

Cow ---------- Calf

Dog ---------- Puppy

Cat ---------- Kitten

Pig ---------- Piglet

and lastly, i would just join Caterpillar with Butterfly. It is not because i knew the answer, it's simply because it was the last pair and obviously it had to be it as i am quite confident over the rest of the other pairs.

Who in the world, as a child would actually think that a Caterpillar something so squishy, gross and green would turn to a beautiful Butterfly? Honestly, never in a million years. It had zero resemblance of the adult and it is fascinating how the transformation can get.

I think it is a gift for a Caterpillar since it stayed faithful in living and sort of await the day of making it to the skies and flutter for all to see. It stayed strong, unbeaten no matter how people laughed at it's ugliness. People would gaze and admire the beauty of the Butterfly yet not considered the pain it had gone through, hidden thoughts, suppressed pain and it's past. Forgotten.

It is the past that is the reason for it's beauty. It is in the hardwork and determination that fuels it's urge for beauty. Some say, the past does not matter but in fact it does, the past is a part of you, you cannot erase it, it made who you are today. The past can be forgiven but it shall not be forgotten and it will make you stronger because it did not kill you. The past is painful because it did not follow you to the future you have seen it together with. The past is ugly, tainted and full of sorrows but it shall be over soon. The past, you miss and shed useless tears for, is the pain you feel in the future. In order to flutter to a free life, to lift your burdens, you have to renew yourself. Your sorrows, your pain all into a cocoon. You engulfed yourself in your own reflections. You think, you think, you reason, you solve, you're stucked, you reconsider, you're hurt, you stop but you think again, you cried, you cry, you're crying. The pain will end. The story continues. Again, you live, again. Your love, or rather your mistake, will fade away...

Then you emerge as something new, something beautiful, something no one would ever thought that you could ever achieve. You prove it not to your friends, not to your family, not to yourself. You prove it to your past. Stand up although you've fallen hard. Stand up.

Dear Caterpillar, so are you ready to be that change?